Letters to Jennifer
by doglord-0f-azerbaijan
Summary: Knowing she wasn't going to make it through her high risk pregnancy, Jennifer Jareau leaves letters to her baby daughter.
1. Chapter 1

It was a cold day of winter. I smiled weakly as I felt the snowflakes falling onto my bare hands. It burned at the touch, I kind of liked it, it made me think. About everything.

"Jenny!" I heard the familiar voice of my daddy, a little worried, calling me from inside the house. "Jenny, get down here, you're going to catch a cold, darling."

"I'm coming, daddy!" A smiled crossed my face. I loved daddy. He was mama and daddy at the same time.

I jumped out of the wall I was sitting on and ran quickly to the half-opened back door that my daddy had left me. As I entered, I would shake the snow out of my hair and clothes, spreading it all over the floor.

"Hey, darling." Daddy opened his arms for me to hug him, so I did it. Daddy was my everything. "Happy 16th birthday." He loosened his hug and looked at me with his sweet green eyes, so different, yet so similar to mine; They were filled with sorrow, as usual. It made me sad that my daddy could never move on from my mother's death. But it secretly made me happy as well. He would never be someone's else. Only my mother's. He still wears his ring…

"I have a surprise for ya, litte Jenny." His accent suddenly got stronger. I wondered why. Was he nervous? "Actually, it's your mama's."

My eyes widened. My mother?

Daddy smiled at my reaction. The same weak and tired smile I've seen so many times. Poor daddy. He really misses her.

"She told me to give you on your sweet 16. That's today, Jenny-bug." He said and handed me a black little notebook.

I was in complete delight. That was my mommy. A piece of her was in that notebook and it was just for me. I held it as closer as I could.

Henry, my big brother, showed up on the doorway mesmerized.

"Is that?" He asked pointing to the little black notebook I was holding.

"Yes." Daddy answered.

"What?" I asked, almost demanding to know what were they talking about. It was so unfair that everybody got to know my mother but me. Everybody knew more about her than me, her own daughter. It just made me frustrated.

"Read it, Jenny." Henry said to me before planting a kiss on my forehead.

He took a rose from the vase that was on a table in the corridor and showed it to me.

"We are going to visit mom after lunch, is that alright with you, sis?"

"Of course."  
He handed me the rose.

"Happy birthday, Jenny."

My birthdays weren't always the happiest. Mom died the day I was born.

I ran to my room as fast as I could, I sat on the bed getting ready for whatever I might find. I didn't know how to feel, I never had my mother so close to me as I did on that very second. She was mine. No one could ever take that feeling away from me.

I opened the notebook full of expectations and a bit antsy. That was from my mom for me. Something only we both shared. Something special.

I recognized her handwriting immediately.

_Hi, baby girl. _

_I don't know your name yet. That's for your daddy to decide. Something has happened. Something horrible. If you are reading this, than you already know, baby girl, and I'm so sorry. Decisions are a hard thing to make and when it comes to one's life… Well, your daddy is mad at me and your big brother doesn't quite understand yet. But he will someday. I'd do it for him too. You are my child and I am your mother._

_Your daddy's name is William. He is a nice guy. You are going to like him. _

_Your brother is named Henry, he's the sweetest child I've ever met. He is very excited to meet his little sister. _

_I wish I could be here for you, baby girl. I wish I could pick you up in my arms and… I'm sorry, baby girl, I'm crying. _

_Now, I'm going to tell you something about myself. _

_My name is Jennifer Jareau, I work for the FBI in the Behavioral Analysis Unit as a profiler. My team has 7 people, including myself. They are all so nice, baby girl. You are lucky to have them. _

_Baby girl, I like to read and listen to music. To spend time with my family, cuddling in bed with your daddy – he is the best cuddler! – playing in the park with your big brother; working! Yes, I love my job. _

_I also like to cook and I've taught your daddy, he will know how to cook for you. You'll be fine. You are a lucky girl, sweetheart. _

_Mommy loves you. _

My heart was beating so fast I tought it was going to jump out of my chest. I turned the page.

_Hi, baby girl. _

_Mommy is so sad right now. – _My eyes started watering with only that first line. – _I hope you forgive me for leaving you without a mommy. No little girl should grow up without a mommy. But you'll still have Will and Henry. I promise you they are the best. _

_I'm really sorry it has to be that way, but mommy has a high risk pregnancy, and I'm not about to abort you. No matter what they tell me. – _I remembered something that daddy told me. This had been motive for thousands of fights between them. Daddy wanted to abort me and when a very hurt me asked him why he simply said that he was love blinded. I didn't talk to him for two weeks. – _if I have to die for you to live, them I'll do it. _

_I love you, baby girl. _

"I love you too, mommy." I whispered to no one in particular, hoping only that the wind would carry my message to her.


	2. Chapter 2

Her journal was weird. It didn't have any dates and sometimes what she wrote just didn't make any sense. I guess that's probably because of how messy her thoughts were. I continued to read.

_Hey, sweetie. _

_Daddy still doesn't wanna talk to me. He's so mad and sad… He said he doesn't know how to do this without me. But I don't know how to do this either. I'm so scared, baby girl. _

_Would you please look after your daddy? I know it's not fair asking you that as you are just a baby, but he needs you. You are going to be his last bit of me left. He needs you as much as you need him. Take good care of your daddy, baby girl. _

I cleaned up my tears with the back of my hand.

_Little Henry asked me why was daddy crying. I was completely devastated. He has never seen his daddy cry before. I didn't know what to answer, baby girl. How am I supposed to tell my four-year-old son I'm going to die? _

_So… I did not say anything. I hugged him. Was it bad? I don't think so. He doesn't need to know before it's time, it's only going to prolong his suffering. Will he ever forgive me, baby girl? I'd do the very same for him. You are my children and I love you. _

I looked up my tearful eyes from the notebook as I felt observed. Henry was watching me from the doorway.

"Can I sit with you?" He asked a bit antsy. It was, after all, a moment between mommy and I.

"Sure." After all, she was his mother too.

I handed him the notebook and pointed the part that talked about him.

I watched his eyes run through the yellowish pages while filling with brand new tears.

"I miss her so much, Jenny." He confessed to me. "Everyday."

I put the notebook aside. And asked the same question I asked so many times before.

"Tell me about her, Henry." I knew how much Henry liked to talk about mom. It made him feel in peace. Mom apparently had that effect on people.

"She was an amazing woman, Jenny." He said. "She would always smell like roses. That's why I like roses so much, you know? They remind me of her… Once I caught her crying. That's the clearest memory I have from her." He looked at me.

"Tell me!" I demanded. I needed to know.

"All right… It was really late and I pretended to be asleep to wait mom to come home and be able to listen to a bedtime story. That's when I heard her footsteps. They were different from dad's, his were always heavy and clumsy hers were lighter and… I don't really know… Quieter, I guess. I patiently waited for her to appear in my room but she didn't, which was weird, she would always kiss me goodnight. So I got up and went looking for her all over the place. I finally found her curled up on the couch crying silently. I grabbed her pants and pulled it so she would look at me and it worked. She cleaned her tears and smiled to me. She asked what was I doing awake and I answered that I was waiting for her. She hugged me really tight and said that she loved me."

"Did she smell like roses?" I asked curiously.

"Yeah. Always." Henry said smiling again. "So I asked her why was she sad. Do you know what she answered?"

"What?"

"She said she was sad because she missed bedtime story!" Henry laughed.

"And you bought it?"

"For god's sake, Jennifer, I was three years old!"

"Ok, I'm sorry." I let out a little laugh. "Why was she really crying?"

"We'll never know…"

So we spent hours talking about mom. It was, after all, our favorite subject. We hardly notice dad's presence, smiling to no one but himself right across the room. He likes it too when we talk about her, it keeps her alive. He doesn't want her to be forgotten. Daddy doesn't know, but we often hear his night conversations with mom. He still loves her so much it's sweet, almost pathetic. But we don't judge him, we talk to mom regularly too.

Daddy entered my room and sat by my side, squeezing me between him and Henry.

"You are talking about your mama." He observed. "Wanna hear a story?"

"Yeah!" Me and Henry whooped at the same time. He always had different stories about mama that we didn't know.

"Ok."Daddy agreed. "There was this time when your mama and I went to Miami to work on a case and after solving it we went to the beach to relax a little and then this rat jumps on my shoulder out of nowhere! I'm ashamed to say that I screamed like a girl and your mother did not stop making fun of me until months later…"

Henry was laughing so hard he actually spitted on me.

"Ewwww, Henry! You are gross!"

"I'm sorry, Jenny!" He was cleaning his tears from the laugh burst. "Oh, dad. That was really funny."

"Yeah, keep laughing." Daddy said in a serious voice. But then he laughed too. "Okay, kids. Go wash your hands, time to go lunch and then visit your mother."

We had a delicious lunch. Not a very talkative one, tough. Everybody remained quiet, lost on thoughts.

In my birthday we had a tradition that was visiting my mother's grave. I really liked it, I felt close to her. As morbid as it seemed. I really enjoyed being next to what was left of her, tough it was only dust by now.

We arrived at the cemetery around 3 pm, all three of us carrying large bouquets of roses. All roses, of course. It had to be roses. I made the path that we had to make every time, I knew it by heart, the other two followed me. And we arrived.

_Jennifer Jareau  
beloved mother, wife, daughter and friend.  
_

I placed my bouquet on the grave. Henry and Daddy did the same.


	3. Chapter 3

We just stood there, watching that plain white snowy view that covered the cemetery ground that soon started hurting our eyes. I had no idea how much time had passed since we arrived. Daddy had tears running down his face. It broke my heart, and I know Henry's too, the pain he carried in his eyes.

Henry broke the silence.

"Wanna say something, daddy?" Daddy always says something nice to mom.

We, Henry and I, both watched as Daddy took a deep breath but didn't mind to clean his tears – he knew he was going to let it run off his eyes again.

"It's been 16 years, Jay. I miss you so much. Our children are wonderful. Henry is a grown up man now, you'd be so proud of him. And Jennifer, your baby girl, darling… Every day that goes by she looks more and more similar to you. In every aspect; inside and out." Daddy gasped. He was trying really hard not to cry. "But I guess you already know that, Jay. I once told you that I couldn't live without you. That was a lie, the truth is I can. I just don't want to. Still don't. I miss you every day, babe. Every day." He stepped back and gestured for Henry to let him know it was his turn.

Henry hesitated for few instants before stepping forward.

"Mama, I know you if there is a Heaven, that's for sure where you are; guiding us. Thank you for that. And I would like you to know that I also miss you. I miss every single thing about you… The way you used to curl my hair with your finger, the way you used to throw me in the air, the way you liked to tickle me just to see me laughing and then you would squeeze my nose…" Henry took a deep breath before continuing. "You were the best mother I could ever ask for. Thank you for that too."

Henry and Daddy turned their attention to me. It was my turn to speak. What would I say? I had absolutely no idea. I didn't have had any life experiences with mom… I started stuttering.

"M-mommy." I swallowed roughly. My throat was hurting. Daddy says he doesn't know where the hell did I get that nervous stutter thing from. Mama was an expert in communication and he is all confident. I'm not, as you can see. "Thanks f-for the noteb-book." That's all I managed to say before bursting into tears.

Henry held me in his arms, more for my safety than anything else, he wasn't much of a touch person.

I faced daddy. His eyes were deeply red from the tears he had shed moments earlier. I've seen him cry more times than I like to admit, always in my birthday. Mom's death anniversary. I've seen daddy at his worst and most fragile moments. This wasn't right. I felt like an intruder, I felt like I wasn't supposed to see this, yet I saw it.

"Shall we go now? It's getting dark." Henry was the one who noticed the color change in the horizon "And colder."

We all took one last goodbye look to mom's grave and left.

Yes, we left like that, we couldn't handle saying goodbye.

On the drive home, I kept counting all the yellow cars that would pass us by. That was a game Henry and I made up when we were little. Counting the cars. His cars were red, mine were yellow. I still do it, it's calming.

I had my face glued at the window. It was snowing again.

It took us less than fifteen minutes to get home, there wasn't much people driving their cars today, I guess it was the weather.

As soon as we stepped home, I ran to my room. I couldn't wait to read more of my mama's journal.

_ Well, hello darling. _

_I'm five months pregnant and the doctor said I can get into labor anytime now. That's not right, baby girl. You were supposed to wait four more months… _

_Maybe this is selfish, but I really could use more months with my boys, you know? Yeah. There I said it. I'm freaking scared about dying and this keeps getting closer and closer. I'm being honest with you, baby girl. I'm scared. Mommy gets scared too. _

_Yesterday I caught Will crying. That was when it hit me. I'm really leaving him, baby girl. I can't even begin to imagine how would my life be without him, raising two kids on my own. The thought of it is disturbing and that's how I'm going to leave him. By himself. _

_Please, take care of your daddy, baby girl. _

_I've never seen his eyes looking as sad as they were today. _

So that's when it started. When mommy was five months pregnant of me, daddy's eyes started saddening. I don't like to look into his eyes, they are this mixture of kindness and grief. It makes my heart ache, knowing that nothing that I'll do will make the sadness go away. Knowing, actually that I'm the cause of all that pain. Daddy hates when I say that, but it's the very truth.

_Hey, baby girl. _

_I can't get out of this bed… This sucks. I wish I could play with my son or make love to my husband. But I can't. Because I'm stuck on this bed for the rest of my life. – _I couldn't help but laugh at this. – _The team visited me today, it was really nice of them. I even got a smile out off Aaron Hotchner, can you believe it, baby girl? A smile. From Hotch. I must be in a real bad shape. The boys left me alone with Garcia and Emily and that was the moment I started crying and sobbing like an infant. _

_I'm so worried, baby girl. I made them promise they will look after you guys after I'm gone. Then Garcia punched me and started yelling. I guess her exact words were: I cannot believe you are doing this, Jennifer, I'm so proud and so angry with you at the same time! And you are not going to die, do you hear me? You are not going to die! Because you are the strongest woman I know and this little girl is going to need her mommy around. You better stay alive, Jennifer. Or I'm going to resurrect you and kill you again. _

_I couldn't cry anymore after that speech, could I? Do you see how amazing they are? You are going to have lots of crazy aunts who are going to take really good care of you, sweetheart. _

_Mommy loves you. _

I loved the way she ended her letters with a love reminder. It made me feel really good.

"Thank you, mom."


	4. Chapter 4

I glanced at the door as I felt observed. There was my daddy looking towards me; he smiled when our eyes crossed paths.

"C'mon, Jenny. Let's grab a snack. Henry is waiting for ya."

I stored the little black notebook under my bed, my not so secret place to hide important things and I followed him. Weird, the lights were turned off. When we reached the living room, all the lights were turned on at the same time, I was blinded for a while; and death too when I heard a loud "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JENNY!" coming from inside the room.

It took a while for my eyes to get use to it and then I was able to distinguish people from shadows. Everybody was there.

Daddy and Henry, of course, grannies Sandy and Jeannette, uncles Joe and Ethan – daddy's brothers – auntie Kate – mama's sister – and her daughter Alice. My mother's team was there too! Aunties Garcia and Emily, uncles Spence, Hotch, Derek and Rossi. That's when I saw Jack! Oh, dear lord. Jack Hotchner was there too. And he was _smiling _at me! I felt the heat going up to my cheeks. I can't believe I was blushing in front of him, that's so embarrassing.

Jack was Henry's best friend since I can remember. Henry knew I had a major crush on Jack and did not approve, he kept saying Jack was too old for me. Bullshit.

I greeted everybody with hugs and kisses. I was so happy, everyone I cared about was in the same room.

"Pumpkin!" I heard The Sparkle, known as Penelope Garcia, calling for me. I faced her, grinning as she ran on my direction. "How does it feel like to be 16?"

"Cool." I answered as I was squeezed in a colorful hug.

She laughed at my lack of excitement.

Auntie Emily approached us.

"Hey, birthday girl. How you doing?" That wasn't just an innocent question, auntie Emily doesn't ask innocent questions, there was much more implied… Like: 'Today it's sixteen years your mother died' or 'Are you sure you are OK?'

"Very good, auntie. Thank you." I answered politely.

Emily and The Sparkle glanced at each other not believing a word I was saying.

"What?" Goddamn perception skills.

Someone approached me from behind and whispered in my ear:

"Come on, Jenny. It's not like you can hide it." I shivered. It was Jack!

OK. Now I've got three worried faces staring at me…

"It's nothing, really. I'm just confused, that's all." They kept staring, so I guessed I should probably say something else. "Ok. Mama gave me a birthday present. Happy now?"

Jack's face was all confusion, but auntie Emily and Garcia's glowed with enlightenment.

"The notebook." Garcia whispered. I nodded. Obviously they knew. Mama carried it with her all the time, even Henry, who was about four at the time remembered the notebook.

We stopped the talk about mama, I was getting uncomfortable. And they noticed. That notebook was my business and I didn't want to share with anybody. It may seem a bit selfish as they were mama's friends and cared about her. But this was between mama and me, the only thing I truly shared with her and I've shown it to Henry already, this must count as selfless act, right? Right?

I left them to talk to my granny Sandy, she was staring at a framed picture dad had on the wall. It was mama, daddy and Henry on my parents wedding.

"She was beautiful." Granny said, glimpsing at me. "Just like you, Jenny." She took a deep breath before continuing. "You look just like her at this age, you know? You two could be twins."

I smiled.

"I know."

I kissed granny's cheek. Granny had a really tough life. She outlived two out of three of her girls and her husband, I'm glad she still has auntie Kate, Alice, me, Henry and daddy to make her company. She still lives in Pennsylvania, though.

My little party continued until late night, all the adults were drunk, which was very funny until they decided it was time for me to sing and dance YMCA along with uncle Derek. I – of course – managed to sneak out for my room and locked the door for precaution.

That was one crazy family I had.

Time to read mama's journal.

_Hi princess! _

_ Today is mother's day. I'm officially seven months and ten days now. My belly is not so big; you are a tiny little creature, aren't you? A lot smaller than your brother. I woke up with wet kisses from Henry and your daddy. It was nice, baby girl. _

_ They made me croissants and apple juice. I have no idea how these two managed to bake me croissants but they were actually pretty good. They are lucky I can't get out of the bed, the kitchen must be a complete disaster. _

_ We spent all day in bed just hanging… I'm going to miss these guys. _

I turned the page. It was the last one. I didn't want it to end. I didn't want for my mama to go away. There was a necklace taped on the next blank page. I decided to read the last letter before touching it.

_Seven months and ten days. Almost eleven days. It's half-past eleven and my water broke five minutes ago. Will is freaking out, he's scaring Henry. I'm freaked out too. We are heading to the hospital now, Will is driving like a maniac. I've already called everybody… _

_ We arrived. I'm in the room. The doctor won't say anything about my condition, Will is freaking out. I think I should give emphasis to that. I'm having the most absolute painful contractions and they can't apply the freaking anaesthesia on me because of something that I didn't quite understand, the pain won't let me pay attention. _

_ This hurts a lot. _

_ Baby girl, I have less and less hours left. _

_ I want to say to you that you are and will always be my baby girl._

_ As I won't be around to raise you. I want you to know the three JJ's rules for a happy life:_

_ First, be good. _

_ Second, be kind. _

_ Third, don't ever work at the BAU. _

_ Just kidding, sweetheart, you can work wherever you want, do whatever you want and be with whoever you want. As long as it makes you happy. Got it? _

_ I love you very much. I'll always be watching you. _

_ This necklace, I want you to have – _I looked again at the golden heart-shaped pendant hanging from the delicate necklace – _It was my sister's. She gave it to be before committing suicide. It's was precious to me, I hope it's precious to you to. _

_ Happy birthday, little princess. _

_ Mama loves you. _

Very gently, I untapped the necklace from the notebook page and stared t at it in amazement. It was so beautiful. If I had to say something, I would sure be stuttering. I was so anxious I dropped it twice before being able to lock it around my neck.

I couldn't stop myself from playing with the pendant, that's when I decided it was time to go to bed. I had a weirdly good day. A confusingly good day. A good day indeed.

Still squeezing the pendant really tight in my hands, I whispered:

"Good night, mommy."

Maybe it was just the wind, carrying her message... But I swear to God I heard her whisper back to me, right in my ear:

"Good night, baby girl."

**THE END. **

**So… What do you guys think? Good? Bad? Really good? Really bad? **

**BTW, I'm thankful for all your kind reviews! **

**PS.: Sorry about the English mistakes, I tried my best xD  
**


End file.
